Pg 10 - FUNNIES - DATING TIPS

I know that SOME of you may think that Bears are promiscuous. GASP! Well, I am here to dispel that rumor. NIP it in the BUTT/Bud. Cut it off at the KNEES, or a tad higher. PUT IT TO SEEPY. Anyway, here are some examples of someone I WON'T date. #1. Anyone who has to brush their arm hair back to look at their watch. #2. Anyone who wears a watch but doesn't know how to use it. The BIG hand is on 6 just don't fondle mah g-spot, if you knows what I means. #3. Anyone who wipes his nose on his/her sleeve...OR their pants leg. (although nimble does have it's good points). #4. I REFUSE to date anyone who lives in a dumpster...and feels he has 'made it'. #5. I also think that any conversation about making a porn video should NOT be done on the first date. #6. Anyone who has a guest book on a stand just inside the bedroom door...and they expect you to sign in. 'What's My Line' run amok, methinkies. #7. Anyone who thinks that 'cross-dressing' means wearing your regular clothes but just being REALLY bitchy about it. #8. Anyone who has to attend any of the following more than six times A week. A. AA (Assh*** Anonymous) B. BA (Bitches Anonymous) C. GA (Gamblers Anonymous...and your first date involves an impromptu poker marathon). D. Anger Management classes, especially if he/she/it was thrown out for fighting. E. His Parole Officer/Bond Hearings. F. Medical Board Ethics Violation Hearings. #9. Foot Fetishists. Now, I really don't care what you do wif your OWN feet. However...I'm alus concerned that one might get REALLY attached to mine and might want to preserve them...IN A JAR. #10. Anyone who likes to drive and play 'CHICKEN'...wif pedestrians. #11. Anyone who believes SO MUCH in social media that he feels obligated to screw as many people as possible. #12. Anyone who has a turnstile installed in the bedroom doorway. #13. Anyone who thinks the term 'DRAG QUEEN' involves a rope attached to the rear bumper. #14. Anyone who passes you a mash note in class which begins: 'TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN" #15. Anyone who brings you a box of chocolates and all the good ones are already gone. #16. Anyone who brings you flowers and the card reads: OUR DEEPEST SYMPATHIES ON YOUR LOSS #17. Anyone for whom I have to get permission from the warden to visit. #18. Anyone who is on a list at the Post Office. #19. Anyone who comes with a price list of his porn videos. #20. Anyone who brings his mother (OR his wife) to a first date. #21. Anyone whose address includes the term: LOT #47 and there ain't even a mobile home on it. #22. Anyone who lives in a camper with a bumper sticker that says: I LOVE TO ROAM. #23. Anyone who suffers from hereditary brain dysfunction and considers it a badge of honor. #24. Anyone who wears cutoffs that were literally cut off the body of his last victim. #25. Anyone who has authored a book titled: 'Be A Teacher & A Pedophile...& Get Away With It' #26. Anyone who can cough, sneeze, fart, drool, scratch himself, belch, drink a beer AND cast an approving leer at the hottie behind me...SIMULTANEOUSLY. I'm all for multi-tasking but PULEEZE. #27. Anyone who uses his penis to hail a cab. #28. Anyone whose home is considered by the EPA to be a toxic waste site. #29. Anyone whose dick length is a higher number than his IQ...and his nickname is 'TINY'. #30. Anyone who appears to have been circumcised ON THE WRONG END. #31. Anyone whose dry cleaning comes back with a note attached which starts: DEAR SLOB... #32. Anyone who seems REALLY into mushrooms AND pre-nups. #33. Anyone over the age of 18 and not yet potty-trained. #34. Anyone who believes that changing the sheets more than once a month is obsessive-compulsive. #35. Anyone whose bed has more lumps than oatmeal. #36. Anyone who was tossed out of the third grade for fighting and he was the TEACHER. #37. Anyone who firmly believes that LIFE BEGINS when he arrives. #38. Anyone who still sleeps with a Teddy...and it snores. #39. Anyone who paints on the mailbox his name and WATCH THIS SPACE. #40. Anyone who sleeps more than my cat. #41. Anyone who picks me up in a taxi or a limo that he is driving...and the meter is running. #42. Anyone who arrives with a leg in a cast after breaking it while trying to kick his mother in the face. #43. Anyone who goes to the salad bar, carrying a fork and pulling a chair behind him. #44. Anyone who catcalls while watching a movie, in a theater, using a megaphone. #45. Anyone who cold cocks blue haired little old ladies because they yelled Bingo before he did. #46. Anyone who feels that baths are somehow against God's master plan. #47. Anyone who uses an assault weapon to kill flies. #48. Anyone who uses a gun as punctuation. #49. Anyone who keeps cement shoes in his trunk...JUST IN CASE... #50. Anyone who carries around an autographed picture of Hitler. #51. Anyone who's 8th grade commencement picture was a mug shot. #52. Anyone who thinks that the term 'CROSS 2 BEAR' means I should be on one. #53. Anyone who thinks that Detour Signs are silly and not to be taken seriously. #54. Anyone who smells worse than mold. #55. Anyone who brings a whoopee cushion to church. #56. Anyone who is REALLY into sex...in the bedding dept at Macys. #57. Anyone who thinks a pig and/or a porcupine makes a great pet. #58. Anyone who makes me giggle during foreplay and laugh out loud during sex. #59. Anyone who gets mad at me for laughing out loud during sex. #60. Anyone who gives my mother the raised middle finger, with both hands, and then gets pissed when she beats the crap out of him. GO MOM. FOR ONE MOMENT, OUR LIVES MET. OUR SOULS... (ok, Mine...ran screaming from the room/fainted/sued for damages). 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