______________________________________ A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am." He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise"? The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year." ________________________________________________________________________________ One woman was talking to her friend. "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always badmouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude!" "Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?" _____________________________________ "How is it that you never married?" "I just never met the right woman. I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now, surely you have met at least one girl you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that, she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her?" "She was looking for the perfect man." ______________________________________ Two bowling teams chartered a double-decker bus—they were going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team was in the bottom of the bus, and the other team was in the top of the bus. The team down below was really whooping it up when one of them realizes he wasn't hearing anything from the top. Walking up the stairs, he saw all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death. He asked, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team replied, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver." _____________________________________ I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. Friday afternoon, he called and said he didn't think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So, I hung up and called him back. He was like, "Hello?" I said, "Hey, buddy, it's me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?" _____________________________________ At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?" "Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh, please, please. I like you so much!" "No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Oh, yes you can. Please!" "No, no. I just can't." "Pleeeeease!" Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!" ______________________________________ I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were. "Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium, ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked ones," I answered. "All right," he said. "Crack me a dozen of the large ones." ______________________________________ Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40? ______________________________________ A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest facilities. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" ___________________________________ SO, where do mens testicles go when they die?
THE SCRO TOMB
What do you call really edible ones?
TASTY CULLS
Uneven size?
ONE HUNG LOW (Usually found in China)
What do you call washing yours?
A NUT JOB
What happens if you set your pubic hair on fire?
ROASTED NUTS/AKA GREAT BALLS OF FIRE
Do watermelons have genitals?
SURE. Watermelon Balls
So tell me why they call something that sounds untrue a COCK AND BALL story
Is that like a FISH story?
Do they throw back the little ones?
TETHERBALL
That sounds painful
VOLLEYBALL
That too
BASEBALL
Prolly refers to the ugly ones
FOOTBALL..
How does one walk?
VERY CAREFULLY, I would think
LOADS OF FUN
Must be an orgy joke.
A BALL-FACED LIE
Balls have FACES?
I wonder if Magic Markers were used in the creation of...?
What do you call someone who can lick their own?
INCREDIBLY SELF-ABSORBED
OR
The next in line at the Chiropractor
(and how would you explain THAT one)
BALL FOUR
Ok. I've heard of well-endowed, BUT...
And then they make them WALK...
Shameful
I just thought up a new way to spur competition amongst the ballers amidst
us...
I call it...
BALLIN' FOR $$$
I'M NOT PLAYIN'
THEM PINS AT THE END OF THE ALLEY
LOOK HARSH
(and what about the splinters)
___________________________________
What do the Brits say when they are getting all gussied up on Halloween?
Let's Eat, drink, and BE HARRY
(He's a Prince of a guy, yah know)
You know what the French porker did, right?
He went Oui Oui Oui all the way home.
GROAN
German Auf Veed was going on trial for murder,
but first he had to undergo
a psychiatric examination. Upon completion, the Psychiatrist appeared before the judge to give his
findings.
"So, Herr Franckel," intoned the Judge,
"How say you regarding the
disposition of Herr Auf Veed. Do you think he is incompetent, or do you think he
is able to stand trial?"
"Vell, Mein Herr Judge, in my profeshional opinion, I must say...As far as
I am concerned,
AUF VEED IS SANE."
"And, goodbye to you too, Herr Franckel", and the judge got up and left. | ||
____________________________________ You heard of course about the guy who sued the supermarket because he slipped on a banana.
Sadly though, he lost...on appeal
|
HEY!
What ever happened to that guy who used to lead
the Penis
brigade?
You know.
DICK ARMEY?
I think he was a friend of the guy who was all about
prolonging ejaculation.
Tom DeLAY?
Trust me. All Tom has to do is show up and prolongation is
hardly an issue.
Actually LONG isn't either & THAT's the short of it
What is the semen's fave song?
"ANNNND...I...
THINK I'M GOING OUT OF MY HEAD"
What is a penis' fave treat?
An all-day sucker.
Penis:
THE GUY BEHIND HIM IS AN ASSHOLE...
And his neighbors are NUTS.
His owner keeps trying to choke him...and everytime he tries
to say something, he spits up and then faints.
WHAT A LIFE
But he's a real stand-up guy.
Gotta love him. OFTEN...or he gets cranky.
___________________________________
|
IT IS SO DRY IN INDIANA...
That the
Baptists are starting to combine baptisms &
ironing.
They've also replaced immersion with sprinkling...
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN Indiana....
the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps.
....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,
"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
They have also started to replace water with ginger ale. (also serves as the refreshment)
The Methodists are showing videos of immersions and asking people to use their imaginations.
They've also replaced immersion with sprinkling...
The Methodists are using wet-wipes,
Presbyterians are giving rain checks,
And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
IT'S SO HOT AND DRY IN Indiana....
the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
....hot water comes from both taps.
....you can make sun tea instantly.
....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,
"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
Sunscreen melts
on contact.
The Indiana Dept of Transportation has started removing the 'bridge slippery when wet' signs and replacing them with...
'keep moving so your tires don't melt' signs.
Indiana is changing its State Motto from:
2,000 years Tidal Wave Free
to:
INDIANA: THE NEW
ARIZONA
People in the SW think Hoosiers are wimps.
Rain checks are
now Perrier checks.
The NW Indiana
Lake Michigan shoreline is now called Puddle
Michigan.
The new State
Tree is the cactus.
The new State
Flower is the tumbleweed.
Tipton is now:
'Tiptoe lightly until the dust settles'
DUSTING is now the new State Sport.
The term 'Spit
& Polish' no longer applies.
Gas consumption in Indiana is up dramatically because the amount of dirt on the cars is reducing fuel efficiency.
Swimming classes have been cancelled for an indefinite period.
Hi-diving is out because the falling
creates friction which causes spontaneous combustion.
Flame-out now refers to any clothing worn
for more than two hours.
Wet wipes lose their moisture content instantly.
Residents now go to Michigan, Illinois,
Ohio, or Kentucky to take a shower. The problem is getting them to go
home.
Hoosiers who live on dirt roads wonder what all the fuss is about.
==================================
==================================
DATING:
I asked what his name was... he said he was Thor.
I said.."About what?"
--------------------------------------------------- A man is walking his dog and passes a little restaurant. The cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are permitted.
After a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it out. He puts on a pair of sunglasses, walks into the restaurant with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The waiter says, "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals in the restaurant."
The man says, "But I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog."
The waiter responds skeptically, "Your seeing eye dog? Sir, that dog is a Chihuahua."
The man responds, "A Chihuahua! They gave me a Chihuahua"?! ---------------------------------------------------
My town takes jury selection very seriously.
So much so that when it sends questionnaires to prospective jurors, every question is expected to be answered in full, plain and simple sentences. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
This was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.
It asked, "Do you speak, read and understand English? If no, explain.
---------------------------------------------------
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly"?
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrgerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
---------------------------------------------------
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"? A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
"I'm ready to order," I told the waiter.
He said...
"It's about Thyme."
--------------------------------------------------- If a certain type of underwear is called Tighty Whities,
What do you call drunk Republicans?
TIGHTY RIGHTIES?
---------------------------------------------------
It has just been confirmed that Father Woodie was arrested, on a charge of being a creature of habit.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM, Sister Martha was still wearing it at the time.
---------------------------------------------------
How To Handle a Traffic Stop...
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: This car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir, that's where I put it after I shot the owner of this car and stuffed his body in the
trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!
Driver: Yes sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. The Captain slowly approached the driver...
Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure, here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration card.
Captain: Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there's a gun in there?
Driver: Yes sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told there was a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened: no body.
Captain: I don't understand. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet he told you that I was speeding, too.
--------------------------------------------------- |
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